A husband and wife entered the dentist’s office. The husband said,
“I want a tooth pulled.I don’t want gas or Novocain because I’m in a terrible hurry.
Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”
“You’re a brave man,” said the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is.”
The husband turns to his wife and says,
“Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?” I asked. She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?” “Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?” I asked. “No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk.”

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch, and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee, and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside. The bikers came in, and one grabbed the trucker’s cheeseburger out of his hand and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker’s coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn’t say a word. He simply got up, paid the cashier, and left. When he was gone, other motorcyclists snickered to one another and congratulated each other on being so ”bad”. As the cashier walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, “He ain’t much of a man, is he?” ”He’s not much of a driver, either,” the cashier replied. “He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles.”

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. Grandson I want you to listen to me. I wanta you to take my 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.
You listen to me, some day you going to run the bussiness, you going to have a beautiful wife, lots of  money, a big home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you going come home and maybe find your wife in bed with another man. What you gonna do then? Point  to you watch and say, “TIMES UP”?

Fast Tube by Casper

A man in his 40’s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.‘There’s no way they can catch a BMW,’ he thought to himself and sped up even more.Then the reality of the situation hit him, ‘What the heck am I doing?’ he thought and pulled over.The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.“   “Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.” The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

Blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her.
“How can I get to the other side of the river?” she shouts loudly.
The other blonde replied “What for? You are already on the other side of the river!”

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road.
Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.
The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man’s car bumper.
Then he yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull.”
Benny didn’t move.
Then he yelled, “Come on, pull Ranger.”
Still, Benny didn’t move.
Then he yelled really loud, “Now pull, Fred, pull hard.”
Benny just stood.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said,
“Okay, Benny, pull.”
Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.
The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, “Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn’t even try.

A guy walks into a bar and demands to know “Who’s the strongest in here?”

The toughest guy looks at him and says “I am the strongest around here!”

The other guy politely asks “Can you help me push my car to the gas station?”

The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon’s office. “You know, Doc,” he said, “I’ve made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand.”
“And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions,” the medic said.
“Heck, no,” the old fellow replied. “I want to borrow your Lamborghini!”