Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”

A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small mini also drives up. The haughty businessman into he back of the limousine started bragging to the mini owner.
“This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photo chromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, blah blah blah…”
At this point the mini owner interrupted.
“But do you have a video in there?”
The light changed just then, and the limo driver pulled off. The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn’t have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo.
A few days passed, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the mini. It was pulled over to a side, with the glass all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the mini. After a few moments, the mini owner poked his head out.
“I installed a VCR in my limo,” said the businessman proudly.
“What!?!’ the mini-man responded. “You got me out of the shower for THAT?”

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters “UFO” were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.
“Do you realize what just happened?” the station owner finally uttered.
“Yeah,” said the blonde attendant. “So?”
“Didn’t you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!”
“Yeah,” repeated the blonde attendant. “So?”
“Didn’t you see the letters ‘UFO’ on the side of that vehicle?!”
“Yeah,” repeated the blonde attendant. “So?”
“Don’t you know what ‘UFO’ means?!”
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. “Good grief, boss! I’ve been
working here for six years. Of course I know what ‘UFO’ means
‘Unleaded Fuel Only.’”

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement.  He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”

In Eisenach (home of the IFA Wartburg car factory) they heard about how the Japanese test a car. They put a cat in the car, and if after three days the cat is dead, the parts are judged to be close fitting. Not wanting to be second in anything, the people in Eisenach decided to test the Wartburg in a similar fashion. If after three days the cat is still in the car, the parts are judged to be close fitting.

A husband and wife entered the dentist’s office. The husband said,
“I want a tooth pulled.I don’t want gas or Novocain because I’m in a terrible hurry.
Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”
“You’re a brave man,” said the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is.”
The husband turns to his wife and says,
“Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?” I asked. She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?” “Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?” I asked. “No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk.”

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch, and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee, and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside. The bikers came in, and one grabbed the trucker’s cheeseburger out of his hand and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker’s coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn’t say a word. He simply got up, paid the cashier, and left. When he was gone, other motorcyclists snickered to one another and congratulated each other on being so ”bad”. As the cashier walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, “He ain’t much of a man, is he?” ”He’s not much of a driver, either,” the cashier replied. “He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles.”

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. Grandson I want you to listen to me. I wanta you to take my 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.
You listen to me, some day you going to run the bussiness, you going to have a beautiful wife, lots of  money, a big home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you going come home and maybe find your wife in bed with another man. What you gonna do then? Point  to you watch and say, “TIMES UP”?