How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can t, it’s either a monster or a giant banana.

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn’t keep asking for beer.

How to determine a REAL snowmobiler:
If I could ride my wife like I can ride my sled then i’d be home every weekend.
Cats have nine lives you have one make it count.
Go BIG or go home.
She said if I go riding one more time she’s going to leave me. I’m really gonna miss her.
Ride it like it’s stolen
If you cant ride with the BIG BOYS leave em on the trailer
Work…..is for people who don’t ride!
If you can’t handle the ride stay on the side!
The best part of growing up…. is getting a faster sled
If I have to explain….you won’t understand
Get up and go!
When HELL freezes over we’ll ride there too.
My Dad’s sled is faster that your daddy’s sled
The bars are the only place to buy gas.
The ice is plenty thick.
I can read a trail map.
it’s only a couple more miles.
It’s not cold.
I love my spouse more than my snowmobile.
We have enough gas to make it.
I can fix it.
I know a short cut…

There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A State Trooper pulls it over. “What have I done wrong, officer?” the driver asks.
“You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against that,” the officer says to the driver. “You must go at least 50mph.”
“But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!” the driver replies.
“HA HA HA!” The officer laughs out loud. “That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn’t the speed limit!”
The driver leans back in her car seat and the cop sees another woman sitting beside her. She looked as pale as a ghost.
“What happened to her?” the officer asks.
“I don’t know, but she has been that way ever since we got off of interstate 160.”

Two blondes lock thier keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.
Finally the first blonde says “Darn, I can’t get in the car!” The other blond replies, “keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down”.

Some of Murphy’s Combat Laws:

If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don’t succeed, call in an airstrike.
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it’s an ambush.
The enemy diversion you’re ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they’re ready. & when you’re not.

As a gangster was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering his phone he heard his friend’s  voice urgently warning him, ”Frank, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be extra careful!”

“Hell, It’s not just one car.  It’s hundreds of them !!!”

One lab mouse to another: I’ve trained that crazy human at last. How have you done that? I don’t know how, but every time I run through that maze and ring the bell, he gives me a piece of cheese.

A Donkey meets a Trabant coming down the road.
“Hello Car” says the donkey “How are you?”
“I’m fine ” says the Trabant “How are you Donkey?”
Don’t be so rude” says the Donkey “I called you Car, at least you could call me Horse”

On whether violent computer games affect children: “If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we’d all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music” – Marcus Brigstocke