How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can t, it’s either a monster or a giant banana.

Art car created by Bryan Taylor,Houston, Texas.

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know!” Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
“Oh Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grown ups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to believe in!”

One day a little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the bus driver.
He starts saying things like: “If my Mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I would be a little rooster,” the bus driver told him to quiet down!
Still the boy went on … “If my Mom was a female elephant and my dad was a male elephant, I would be a little male elephant,” the bus driver getting annoyed told the boy to shut up!
Still the boy went on … “If my Mom was a female dog and my dad was a male dog, I would be a little male dog.”The bus driver finally mad, asked him: “If your Mom was a prostitute, and your dad was a homo, what would you be?”
The boy answered: “A school bus driver!”

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn’t keep asking for beer.

How to determine a REAL snowmobiler:
If I could ride my wife like I can ride my sled then i’d be home every weekend.
Cats have nine lives you have one make it count.
Go BIG or go home.
She said if I go riding one more time she’s going to leave me. I’m really gonna miss her.
Ride it like it’s stolen
If you cant ride with the BIG BOYS leave em on the trailer
Work…..is for people who don’t ride!
If you can’t handle the ride stay on the side!
The best part of growing up…. is getting a faster sled
If I have to explain….you won’t understand
Get up and go!
When HELL freezes over we’ll ride there too.
My Dad’s sled is faster that your daddy’s sled
The bars are the only place to buy gas.
The ice is plenty thick.
I can read a trail map.
it’s only a couple more miles.
It’s not cold.
I love my spouse more than my snowmobile.
We have enough gas to make it.
I can fix it.
I know a short cut…

There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A State Trooper pulls it over. “What have I done wrong, officer?” the driver asks.
“You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against that,” the officer says to the driver. “You must go at least 50mph.”
“But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!” the driver replies.
“HA HA HA!” The officer laughs out loud. “That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn’t the speed limit!”
The driver leans back in her car seat and the cop sees another woman sitting beside her. She looked as pale as a ghost.
“What happened to her?” the officer asks.
“I don’t know, but she has been that way ever since we got off of interstate 160.”

Two blondes lock thier keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.
Finally the first blonde says “Darn, I can’t get in the car!” The other blond replies, “keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down”.

Some of Murphy’s Combat Laws:

If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don’t succeed, call in an airstrike.
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it’s an ambush.
The enemy diversion you’re ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they’re ready. & when you’re not.

A rich business executive sees an ad in the Financial Review for the world’s fastest and most expensive car. It’s called the Tri-Turbo Convertible Fantasy and it costs over $1 million.
He decides he must have it and three months later he takes delivery. Eager
to play with his new toy, the executive takes it out for a spin.
At the first stop light, an old man rides up next to the Fantasy on an old Vespa motor scooter. Without invitation, the old man sticks his head through the open window and croaks, “Quite a ride you got there sonny – how fast will she go?”
“About 270 km,” answers the executive.  “No way,” says the old man.
Just then, the light turns green and the executive decides to show the old man what the car can do. He floors it, and within seconds the car is doing 270.
But suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear vision mirror that seems to be getting closer and closer. Thinking it’s a cop the executive comes to a stop.
Then, whooooooooooosh, something goes flying by.
“What the heck was that?” wonders the executive. “What can go faster than my Fantasy?”
Suddenly, the same blur comes racing back toward him, and whoooooosh, passes right by in the opposite direction. This time the executive gets a better
look and would almost swear that it looked like the old man on the Vespa motor scooter.
“That just couldn’t be,” he thinks to himself.
Suddenly, he sees it again in his rear view mirror and wham! It smashes slap
bang into the back of the Fantasy.
The executive jumps from his car, and sure enough, it’s the old man on the
Vespa that’s crashed into him.
“Are you okay?” asks the executive. Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” replied the old man, “could ya unhook my trouser suspenders from your
external mirror, please.”

As a gangster was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering his phone he heard his friend’s  voice urgently warning him, ”Frank, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be extra careful!”

“Hell, It’s not just one car.  It’s hundreds of them !!!”