How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can t, it’s either a monster or a giant banana.

One day a little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the bus driver.
He starts saying things like: “If my Mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I would be a little rooster,” the bus driver told him to quiet down!
Still the boy went on … “If my Mom was a female elephant and my dad was a male elephant, I would be a little male elephant,” the bus driver getting annoyed told the boy to shut up!
Still the boy went on … “If my Mom was a female dog and my dad was a male dog, I would be a little male dog.”The bus driver finally mad, asked him: “If your Mom was a prostitute, and your dad was a homo, what would you be?”
The boy answered: “A school bus driver!”

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn’t keep asking for beer.

How to determine a REAL snowmobiler:
If I could ride my wife like I can ride my sled then i’d be home every weekend.
Cats have nine lives you have one make it count.
Go BIG or go home.
She said if I go riding one more time she’s going to leave me. I’m really gonna miss her.
Ride it like it’s stolen
If you cant ride with the BIG BOYS leave em on the trailer
Work…..is for people who don’t ride!
If you can’t handle the ride stay on the side!
The best part of growing up…. is getting a faster sled
If I have to explain….you won’t understand
Get up and go!
When HELL freezes over we’ll ride there too.
My Dad’s sled is faster that your daddy’s sled
The bars are the only place to buy gas.
The ice is plenty thick.
I can read a trail map.
it’s only a couple more miles.
It’s not cold.
I love my spouse more than my snowmobile.
We have enough gas to make it.
I can fix it.
I know a short cut…

Some of Murphy’s Combat Laws:

If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don’t succeed, call in an airstrike.
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it’s an ambush.
The enemy diversion you’re ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they’re ready. & when you’re not.

One lab mouse to another: I’ve trained that crazy human at last. How have you done that? I don’t know how, but every time I run through that maze and ring the bell, he gives me a piece of cheese.

On whether violent computer games affect children: “If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we’d all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music” – Marcus Brigstocke

A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened. A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man. After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, “Looks like a bad carbuerator to me.” Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again.
Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer. “Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?” he asked. The farmer replied, “The brown and white one? Yep, that’s old Bessie.” The man then said, “Well my car’s broken down, and she just said, ‘Looks like a bad carbuerator to me.’” The farmer shook his head and said, “Don’t mind old Bessie, son. She don’t know a thing about cars.”

A man walked into a lodge in Yellowstone National Park. Can you give me a room and bath? he asked the clerk.I can give you a room, the clerk said. But youll have to take the bath by yourself!

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road.
Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a
lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. At the last second,
he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn’t run over the lawyer, so he swerved,
but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn’t see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. “I’m sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at
the side of the road.”
But the priest said, “Don’t worry, son. I got him with my door.”